thoughts during a body sushi

I hate smoked salmon.Yet I found myself, on the floor of my bedroom, naked, and covered in sushi. The worst part? The Sashimi was used to cover my nipples.

He's coming over at 7:30. It's 6:00. I have an hour and half to:
pick up sushi
bring it back to my house
make a game plan

figure out a place to set up

set up. 

Don't think that's so bad? I LIVE IN A CUBE! Even if I wanted to find a place to set up naked, anyone who walked in the front door would immediately be confronted with my non existent bum and floppy soon to be fish-titties. No blinds on the windows. I try to set up a white sheet across the window downstairs in my dinning room. Try wrapping it around a lamp. Stretch out the sheet while I walk to the other side of the room. Lamp falls. Breaks. Bulb shatters. "Oh hey mom and dad.. euuuh about the lamp... and the sheet... ummm... I was just trying to set up a sheet to get some privacy... I meaaaan, I was doing something for Bruno.. I meann...no no! It wasn't for a lapdance, I swear!" Don't want to have that conversation. 

6:45. Fuck the dinning room. I'll clean up later.

Walk upstairs to my room. I lie down on my sheepskin rug in between my clothing rack and bed. How do I explain to him why he's going to have to eat off of the floor? I strip off all my clothes. Place the sushi all over. Realize I don't know how he's going to get in the house. 7:22. I take it all off, put it back in the box, run downstairs put a key under the mat and start running back upstairs. Hear the key in the door. He sees me naked, running upstairs. "Give me 3 minutes!" Already off to a great start. I re-position, chuck all the plastic containers under my bed. "I'm readyyyy" Hadn't had time to think of a seductive opening line. He walks in. "You know... in some places in Japan, people eat on the floor." He's confused. Not the reaction I was going for. Not the line I was going for. He sits down. Awkward silence. He doesn't want to eat. He feels bad eating off of me. There's raw salmon on my nipples that I wish were never there. I tell him to start eating. "So, how was your day?" His mouth is full. Another awkward silence. He finishes. He wants to thank me by having sex. I want the hop in a shower and pretend it never happened. He starts touching my lady spots. I'm thinking the raw fish oils are going to end up in places that will lead to things I don't want. Hello UTI, my old friend. Oh! Sorry yeast infection, I must have confused you with UTI? Maybe the sex will be good and it will finish this off on a good note? It's not. Everything smells like raw salmon. I can't stop thinking about the raw salmon.

9:00 pm. Parents come home. They're pissed. Suddenly I feel like an old school girl again.

"Oh well, it's really not as bad as it looks. It's just, Bruno was chasing after me pretending to be a ghost and um... I accidently knocked over the lamp. What? No, of course I'm not lying. Don't worry, I'll take care of it." Turns out they don't make the shades for that lamp anymore.

the smell of sweet revenge

Today was a revenge day. It started off like any other day except that it ended up with me laughing and Bruno being angry. 10 points for me.

It's 10 am. We're both in pj's (that means me in a bathrobe and Bruno in his undies). Bruno decides to clean the dishes. I decide to spend more time on Facebook. He's whistling. I'm stalking. I turn around, I notice his bum.

[By the way, I call his bum "Poule" which is French for "chicken". It kinda goes a little something like this: I'll call it "Poule" in sets of threes while pinching his bum simultaneously. "Poule, Poule Poule!" while I squeeze squeeze squeeze.]

So I notice his bum. Looks fleshy. I think to myself that I kinda want to bite it. Then I conclude, why the heck not?

Reminded me of the time when I was 5. I picked up some firewood clamps and while my dad was bending down trying to put a fire together, I pinched a tiny piece of flesh on his ass cheek. He screamed. Loud. I was scared. I ran. He chased after me. Our house was not that big. I was grounded.

I was kinda hoping for a similar reaction out of Bruno (minus the grounding part). And so I bite. He's shocked. Mini screech. "POUUUULE" I scream. He giggles. Make a mental note to bite harder next time.

We hop in the shower. It's early. Bruno is hyper. I'm not. He tilts his head up and gobbles like a turkey to some song I can't make out. I pretend to watch him while keeping my mouth slightly open to collect as much water as I can. He's still gobbling. He looks down, smiles, leans in to give me a kiss and BAM! I spit water ALL OVER HIS FACE. He's shocked. I'm thinking this is way more fun then I expected. Can't stop laughing.

We get home late in the afternoon. I start drinking a fruit beer. He's feeling affectionate. I'm not. He cuddles up to me like a newborn koala. I'm trying to get back to my chair. He's hanging on for his dear life. My stomach starts rumbling. The rumbles go up my oesophagus. Into my throat. Light bulb goes off. I lean in to kiss him. Our lips barely begin to touch... Loudest. Burp. Ever. I'm pretty sure I saw the front pieces of his hair move. I burst out laughing. He's disgusted. And scared. I'm laughing like a hyena. He says I look really scary. I go to hug him. He's legit scared. He takes two steps away. I move closer. Think about his face when I burped. Still laughing. He turns around and runs. I chase him around the kitchen table while laughing uncontrollably. He's even more scared. Decide to throw in some dinosaur arms to freak him out. I chase him around, waving my claws, laughing harder as I'm seeing his reaction.

And that my friends... is the smell of sweet revenge.

Things that make me emotional.

I've always known I was a bit more emotional then the average girl. This post will be a bit different. This is not a post about my thoughts because there is no thought process behind this weird phenomenon. I cry at weird things. I can't really explain it, it's a sudden urge of emotion that I get overcome with when watching something. No explanation. Just tears. Sometimes during something funny, sometimes during something sad. Again, no explanation. Be prepared, some of them are just weird... but then again, I don't think you came here to read things that were 'normal'.

1) Flash mobs. People coming together in big groups to dance or improve makes me cry.
2) The O.C.... pretty much every episode.
3) Amazing contestants on x-factor. This video, without a doubt, will always make me cry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BewknNW2b8Y&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL334F9BD849D0206C
4) Contemporary dancers on So You Think You Can Dance. Mostly this one. Sob Fest. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4
5) Disney movies. More specifically this scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTW9ZsL3sqQ&feature=related
6) Seeing other people cry.
7) Any thoughts that involve my parents. I love my parents.
8) Adele. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAc83CF8Ejk&ob=av3e
9) The thought of me seeing Medina in Copenhagen in March. Seriously, I cried this morning.
10) The free hugs clip. Also a sob fest.
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN8CKwdosjE
11) Videos of soldiers coming home to their kids. Like this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMJDdqOHVe4&feature=related
12) But also coming home to their dogs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysKAVyXi0J4
13) And this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us-TVg40ExM (kinda falls into same category as flashmobs, people coming together for a good cause. It's touching)




Annnnd I think that just about covers it.

thoughts while I indulge

In chocolate heaven. My goodness it's good. It is SOOOO good. 

I wonder if I said that out loud or thought it. It doesn't matter. I could say it out loud twice and he wouldn't even notice. He takes it from me. I'm jealous. Overprotective. I want 1 more spoonful. Clearly just lied. Ok maybe 2 more spoonfuls, but not more! Decide that I'm going to have more then 2 spoonfuls once he hands it back to me. Watching him eat it. Cringing a little bit inside. I know the jar is slowly emptying and it's not because of me. Makes me angry. I usually love sharing. Feel guilty for feeling this way. Think that I should accept that he's having some too. He takes a small loaf of bread and prepares to spread it on. "No!" I yell out. "We're gonna eat dinner in a few hours..." Reward myself for coming up with a good excuse. Good thinking Clara. Realized I can't accept that's he's aloud some too. I take it back from him. Ask him to check something in the other room for me. Make sure he's not looking. 4 more spoonfuls, just like I thought.

my boyfriend is a sicko.

Warning. This post is gory and may be too much to handle for some. For others, put your seatbelts on. It's about to get bumpy. Like ingrowns.

Ok, that was a test. If the ingrowns joke was too gory for you, please stop here. Seriously, stop. You're going to regret it.

I really think you should stop.

Fine, don't listen to me.

I've unleashed the dragon in Bruno. Moved in to new apartment today. Sweetness. Road-trip to Ikea... By Metro. Walked down the street, thought process begins. Wow it's pretty. Nobody in sight. Why is there no one in the square? Bruno grabs my hand. Cute. Bruno puts my hand on his ass. Double cute. Waiting for his other arm to go around my back so we can walk like couples with hands in each others back pockets. He had other plans. My hand, gets pressed into his jeans... He farts. Vibrations. Confusion. He laughs. I forgive him.

We get back. I ask him what he wants for dinner. "Hot chocolate and danishes with chocolate spread." I make him hot chocolate and danishes with chocolate spread. He holds up a cloth wrapped in plastic, asks me what it is. "Your mom gave it to me to clean with." Asks me where he should put it. I joke. Turn around, pull my underwear down. Spread my ass cheeks. "Please be careful, it's sensitive today". Still joking. Suddenly, plastic cloth gets punched into my ass. He wasn't joking. I was. Jokes over. Not quite. He smells it, smiles, and punches in my face. Again, not funny. He's laughing. 

I smelled my own ass after a day and a half of walking. Gross. Just bought cheese that smelled better then that. Seriously. He's still laughing. He went too far. I forgive him anyway... But this isn't over. Next post is all about revenge. We'll see who's laughing then.

most embarrassing moment of my life.

I'm close with my parents. More so then the average daughter. I love my dad. I video skype my dad daily. I video skyped him yesterday. Dad got a call. Waited for 8 minutes. Listened to my dads conversation. Watched Bruno study. Got bored. Forgot I was on webcam. Lifted my shirt to see my nipple hairs. Started playing with my nipple hairs. Heard "Clara! Clara!! You're still on camera!!." Embarrassment. Humiliation.

My dad saw my nipple.

thoughts on a train.

Arrived in Paris. Tried to figure out how to catch our next train. Me so tired. Decided it was easier to let Bruno do it. Ended up going around in circles. Decided it was easier if I did it. Looked for the signs, noticed my thighs were rubbing together more then usual. Thought that I shouldn't have eaten 6 crepes the night before. "Did I really need to eat all those crepes?" Agreed that I should have eaten all 6 crepes.

Got on the train. Went to the bathroom. Definitely shouldn't have eaten all those crepes. Asked myself where the poop goes. Heard a knocking on the door. Stopped asking myself where the poop goes. Panicked about whether or not the door was really locked. It was locked. Back to where the poop goes. Still undecided. Got to Brussels. Sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Woke up with bug bites. Coul....could it be? Bed bugs? Oh please no. Looked around... Nothing. Bites still spreading. Researched what it was. Panicked once again about beg bugs. Cleaned EVERYTHING. Thought about whether or not it was bed bugs. Still undecided.